All art is sacred. If it was done by an artist it has a deeper intrinsic meaning that the truly enlightened understand and if you don’t get it that means you’re an unrefined uneducated hobo!

I saw a painting today that was terrible. Really terrible. I have a bit of an edge over the normal mortal, when I rip into a painting I can bring up design rules and color theory and say — THIS is why this is CRAP. But really, no one needs a bunch of education to tell something looks terrible.

You might be thinking this site looks terrible. It certainly breaks a lot of design rules - but I think in non-boring painful ways.

Classic literature is the same way. I once thought that if I couldn’t get into a Bronte sister book something was wrong with me. It’s okay to say — what a pile of poo.

I once went and saw a bunch of Rembrandt sketches. It was the most boring hour of my life. Yup another drawing of a tree. I draw trees. I draw trees as good as Rembrandt trees. Actually my daughters portrayal of a double rainbow was a whole lot more entertaining. OOh’ but it was holy Rembrandt and don’t we all know he was a GOD — sure in oil painting. But otherwise he drew pretty boring trees.

It’s this aesthetic that allows more people to like Vincent Van Gogh then say Thomas Kinkade. (Thank God too).

So all in all - an aesthetic is personal and I find it very sad when people feel they SHOULD like art because hell, it’s ART and art is sacred and artists are special people. I’ve known people who tried to FAKE being artists to have that something special about them. I can tell they’re fake because they’re trying to act out what they think artists are like instead of actually making art - which is the reality of being an artist. You actually have to DO something.

Anyway - feel free not to like art - it makes liking something so much more authentic.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

I noticed there are a lot of seasons here - Fall, Spring, Winter, Summer don’t really exist thus far that I can see.  Instead you have breeding seasons of the fish and that brings with it various migrations of birds.  About every 2-4 weeks something entirely new arrives in the backyard and you know a season has changed.  It’s Chinook season at the moment I believe.  The Eagles have gone chasing after the Salmon.  Not even an Osprey remain.  The sports fishermen cast baleful looks complaining they can’t catch anything  — no eagles = no fish.

The herons have bred and gone now too and all that’s left are a few terns.

Songbirds are long gone.  The nightingale kind.  Don’t know their real names but they sing pretty.

We had bats for about three weeks and now they’re gone too.

Back in Missouri there was always a red squirrel and a blue jay to announce my presence in the woods but not here.

Yesterday I went hiking in a grand old forest over at Ft. Columbia up the old military road.  The Douglas Fir’s in some places were about 15ft+ around and very tall.  I saw a Siskin Pine that was surely over 100ft.  It was foggy and cool and PERFECT out for a hike.  No wind, just beautiful BIG forest all around with some younger trees mixed in.  On one face of the mountain the storms must beat down really hard because there was all young trees and so many toppled over and dead.

Lots of Elk sign but didn’t see one personally - just a few slugs and a snail.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

My Grandma liked to tell stories and sing old folk songs.

Not everyone knows that about her.

I did because when I was little her and Grandpa would sing and tell me stories.   Grandma came from Iowa with her first husband to settle in a little farm house a lot like this one below.  On the plains of Oklahoma it’s HOT in the summer with bugs, baked earth that is impossible to plow and the grass dies.  It’s damn hard to live off the earth there but at age 20 that’s what she was doing.

Grandma had two small children and an alcoholic husband who liked to beat the hell out of her on when he was home.  She missed Iowa - she was so homesick she couldn’t stand it.  She met a friend named Helen (pictured above).

One day Grandma’s husband threw a ketchup bottle at her head - it narrowly missed but embedded glass into her skin.  He disappeared again, Grandma sold milk to try to make ends meet.

Helen suggested that she and the two kids move to an old farm house with a man just returned from WWII - Helen’s brother and staff sergeant Delbert Warren.

Grandma had been abused as a kid.  Her Mom died when she was 4 and her father remarried his first cousin.

They didn’t call it abuse back then but she stuck like glue to her brother Glenn and did things like shovel coal for a little old lady for  a warm place to sleep and a bit of food.  Her step Mom did things like burn food and feed it to them and send them to school with no shoes on.  One time in the hot summer she tied them to a tree and the post man had to save them.

Grandma really didn’t know safety unless she was working her butt off for it.

Grandpa made her feel safe.  Grandpa kinda had that easy going way about him that made people like him.

Mom said they would argue a lot when she was a kid.  They didn’t as an old couple which is how I knew them.  Grandma helped him drive “one a’comin this way”.  She made his favorite meals and once threatened to divorce him after he commented as a joke her butt was getting big.  She was mad about it for a full week.

Grandma and Grandpa Warren had two kids, Oletha and Little Joe.

I’m Oletha’s only child.  I’m really close to my cousin Jim who is Joe’s only child too.  We lived next door to each other for a large part of our lives.  My Grandparents were always right there with lots of southern culture and customs that are vanishing quickly these days.

We had Sunday dinners and special occasion meals.  Grandma was a GOOD cook.  Home made bread, a selection of hand created pies, cookies, cakes, home done noodles and the like.

My Mom and Grandma were inseperatable.

Sometimes that bugged me a little bit - because I got left out sometimes ;-P  But they would shop together, fight all the time, and make endless plans.  They needed each other, and then Mom died.

Grandma had weathered Grandpa’s passing pretty hard - we all did.  I couldn’t even go to the funeral.  I hate funerals.  I hate thinking of people as dead and not coming back.

Grandma didn’t handle Mom’s death.

They said it was alhiemerz but there she was alone in the house where Mom and Grandpa both had died. She sometimes got up at 3am and set the table for them and made them sandwiches.  Occasionally she got out Grandpa’s clothes and laundered them.  She talked to them all the time.  She was very angry at me.

She had me sued.

Mom died with no health insurance, no life insurance and nothing of value.

Grandma had it in her head I had inherited money that should belong to her.  My Mom at one point had a house and I got sued for it - only problem was she had gone bankrupt on it six years prior to her death, and it was only valued at $13,000.00 - the note against the house held by the bank was around $40,000.00.  She was upside down on the loan and because of a terrible storm and FEMA issues it wasn’t safe to live in.  I was sued to pay off the bank note and turn over the house to some shady people claiming to be out to help my Grandma.  It was thrown out of court.

No one could prove I owned the house because I didn’t.

But the rift was there - she was terminally angry that I didn’t step in and be my Mom.  She knew and I knew that couldn’t happen but she didn’t know what to do with the grief.

I think it destroyed her finally.

Last time I saw her she was watching golf as if it was the most interesting program in the world.  ”Do you watch this?  I like it” She said.  Mentally she wasn’t there and I don’t know if it was disease or meds or both.

I kinda think life ended for both of us when Mom died and everything since was us trying to reinvent life - and for Grandma, she was too old and the pain was just too much.

As a kid I assumed I would grow up and join Mom and Grandma on shopping trips on Saturday to the store.  Stay at home and raise my kids like they had.  Learn to cook the same meals and raise a garden.  But the world changed, everything has changed and I’m about as far from that ideal as if I had taken a trip to Mars at some point.

Still though - I think of them all the time.  Everyday, maybe even every hour they are with me at least a little bit.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

I keep giggling.

Not the kind of half-hearted giggle of a bad joke.  No, my eyes are fully twinkling and I just burst into giggles like a million escaping bubbles.  Everything today has struck me as funny.  I love it.

Night at the Roxbury - My FAVORITE scene ;-P

It started last night - when against all better judgement I curled up on the couch with Highlander with an extra large chocolate ice-cream sunday with chocolate syrup and nuts and watched Night at the Roxbury.

I started giggling through it and then falling down guffawing.

Okay - so I don’t watch a lot of movies or TV - I get it now. ;-P

Neighbors Part III and IV

So we have new neighbors. [If you missed the drama of the neighbors - scroll back a few posts.] Our downstairs neighbors had their friends move in. They seem better except for a couple of things

- first they always take up two parking spots for no discernible reason.
Second - both him and her smoke and their kids have smoker coughs.

Third - sometimes they smoke outside directly under my window ugh.

Four - they have a bumper sticker on their rusty truck which reads, “If I had known this - I WOULD HAVE PICKED THE COTTON!” With a confederate flag (I moved to the left coast right????)

Still though they have managed to be 90% less annoying then the downstairs neighbors.

Now however yet another group of neighbors are moving in - this group unaffiliated with either set of the red-neck neighbors.  I’m guessing they’re some of the MMA students from down the road - they look like a few guys ranging in ages from 17-26 - not sure how many there are.  Ooooh’ how the red-neck neighbors are going to love this.  I wonder if they’ll catch on to the unwritten rules of this apartment complex about noise, sex, rock-n-roll and even parking.  I’m so glad that the pudgy upset blond downstairs will enlighten them.

So I saw them moving in and I couldn’t stop laughing to myself.  This is going to be explosive.  Its going to be Jerry Springer in Fall good.  ”YOU’RE PARKING IN MY SPOT!!”  ”IS THAT A PARTY UP THERE???”  ”DO THOSE BOYS HAVE GIIIIRRRRLLLSS STAYING OVER — WHAT ARE THEY DOING - WHAT?”  ”THEY BETTER NOT BE SMOKING NO WEED OR DRINKING.”

Oh’ it should be interesting to say the least.  It’s nice not to be the only target anymore.

I have a doctors appointment today - Oooh God - I’m supposed to be sick and I’m grinning ear to ear and can’t stop laughing.  *sighhhhhhh

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

I was reading, ‘The Four Agreements’ and it said that really the mind/soul if you will, exists in a different reality from our body - that it transcends dimension.  That from this murky water of an astral ocean thoughts that are not our own can float in.

I would have scoffed at this - but where I moved has a sadness to it that is hard to explain.  Inevitably there is a certain bench where alcoholics and those deeply troubled always get drawn to.  When they sit there they take on the same facial expression.  It’s very creepy (X-Files) esque!

Then I noticed that dark troubling thoughts started hanging around me like cobwebs.  Thoughts I would normally never have questioning everything I did and thought and felt.  I started getting an eerie idea that the thoughts were from outside myself - I would brush this off as crazy - but when I read the Four Agreements I had to step back from my usual skeptic self and ask …. what if?

What if there really is a vast ocean of thought outside our physical selves where there is a great collective unconscious, like Jung proposed, that communicates and whispers to each other.

Meme’s, Religion and Viruses….

I have read before that the Bible is a “self-replicating meme” , according to Wikipedia a meme is, “symbols or practices, which can be transmitted from one mind to another through writing, speech, gestures, rituals or other imitable phenomena.”

Religion does spread rather virus - OBEY, question not - but what I never considered before was that such viruses may have been invented and passed along not to damage and infect but instead to inoculate the masses, to add a layer of protection against bad memes and bad suggestions from the cold waters of the subconscious where we all swim unknowingly together. Instead of virus think vaccination.   (This idea is from the book, “Snow Crash” by Neal Stephenson)

Maybe when you don’t know what you believe and have that firm meme it allows doors open in the mind that would be safer closed.  (Although the viral religions do have definite draw backs…but what if, like modern day vaccinations the benefits greatly out way the stoning of women and the oppression of gays?)

I have been thinking about these things and thought I would share.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

There is a new paradigm that is sweeping through - and although I try to believe it’s just me I know I’m just part of Jung’s collective unconscious and reacting to the inevitable backlash to technology.

I want to grow my own garden, sew my own clothes, make my own dinner from REAL food.

There was a pack of chicken in the bottom of my fridge. OMG - I had forgot about it.  How old was it? Carbon dating…I need carbon dating.  But you know how things are these days… so I opened it.  Fresh as a daisy despite being RAW, unfrozen tenderloins.  Bacteria can’t eat it - huzzah it’s preserved.  Unfortunately like most people my gut runs on bacteria…so how exactly do we digest this crap that is bacteria proof?  I don’t know.

When I go to the store I see a lot of sick people, overweight people, tired people and I wonder if we all don’t have the same disease called modern society.  Back in the 1950’s girls were making dresses to make them look less skinny, “use Horizontal lines girls! They’ll make you look broader!”  If they could see our society now, all mottled and distorted like blown up balloons - what would they think?

Ordered is one brand new Serger, a kind of overly complicated sewing machine I’m obsessed with at the moment.  I’ve been drawing clothing ideas for awhile…chewing things over — why do people where such ill fitting garments — because they come from hangers.

Back in the day the convenience of ‘off the wrack clothing’ and ‘restaurants’ was frowned on,  It was considered substandard quality.  I remember Mom dying cloth and sewing things as I grew up, but she wasn’t very creative.  She never sought really to do something really outside the box.  I always wanted to do things differently.  No matter what it was.

It wasn’t always such a good thing. I was always getting into trouble yet somehow landing on my feet like a butterfly to the astonishment of my Mum.

I think everyone is going back to living in their own ways.

My friend has a cool web site called Future War Stories - click on the image below to check out his interesting blog ;-P

Future War Stories has book reviews and parts of published stories - check it out!

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

So, I was a bit of a dick.  I didn’t realize that maybe the whole cancer thing and me maybe dying may have wrapped Highlander around an emotional axle that he didn’t necessarily want to share.

I didn’t realize that the pain of separation and being apart from my best friend and mate was the source of my pain.  Sometimes, possibly, it’s hard to tell if the pain comes from being with someone - or being without someone.

I’m hard to live with - I know that.

So when I last wrote I had not been sleeping or eating and was clinically depressed.  I’ve been in that boat before - but last time I was a kid and had no idea what to do to get better so I had to weather just excruciating symptoms for the better part of a year.

A couple of things kept chipping away at my sad myopic brain - some little voice was screaming at me, “listen dummy!”  I hadn’t been keeping food on my stomach at all for days (great weight loss though), I had stopped my ability to digest protein again and at some point a week or so ago I had stopped taking any supplements due to muscle spasms and issues.

I went to my medicine cabinet listlessly and took a full dose of my good multi-vitamins, my aloe vera, a complex of amino acids, fish oil, and my probiotics.  I fell asleep and stayed that way all night.  I slept straight through the alarm (odd) and today I can’t seem to wake up fully.  I guess something worked.  I feel like I woke up out of a really really bad trip.

I woke up stretching.  Sometimes I stretch so much and so hard that I pull something out of place.  My muscles just kill me.  It’s a reaction to something in the supplements but I haven’t a clue as to what.   I’ve tried elimination but it still alludes me.  Sometimes thing interact - even what you normally eat.  So maybe my eggs and vitamin E aren’t clicking.  I have no idea.  Biochemistry is a strange beast.

Today my girl is 13! I’m Mom to a teen now. Wow, time flies.  I’m trying to be awake today and healthy.

I think I’m sick and unhappy the way an indoor cat is.  Domestics have no clue what really it’s like to live in the wild. I haven’t a clue really either.

I met a couple of people yesterday and I think maybe it was meth or alcoholism - they had a fearful anxiety about them, secrets hanging about their heads.  Large hollow hopeless eyes that just knew desperation of a sort that only comes about from truly not having options.  They both made me look the very picture of health.

They thought it was almost a cruelty - how could I have moved to this dreadful place with its inflation and no options from the holy land that is Missouri?  What a dreary hateful land this is - what a trap full of heavy clouds, endless rain and cold sea wind.  Why would anyone want to come here? What did the tourist see that was enchanting?  This is really the land of Lovecraft - Arkham is just under the surface.  The odd angles and so much out of place, like a poison cookie with exquisite frosting.  Drawing in the tourist and feeding off them, while nourishing its roots with the rotting lives of the citizens.  No wonder Lewis and Clark fled.

I’m intrigued.

In the park where I spend everyday  there is a bench carved out of obsidian colored granite inscribed in memorial to someone whose name I never take the time to read.  On the bench is almost always an alcoholic.  Sometimes one with a friend.  They don’t talk - they stare out at the black water of the Skipanon under its cloudy heavy ceiling and wheeling birds - each with the same blankness and regret, maybe longing…. “when I got that check, why didn’t I just book a damn flight to Miami?”

But over time I have had the most curious sensation….it keeps nagging at me - see it’s not really the people who feel such pain and emptiness - it’s the land.

When people are in a stupor drunk or lost in the ways everyone does get lost, I think this places spirit seeps into them, that song of this place and starts to write its own script in their minds.

Each one makes their way to the black bench and they think the darkest of thoughts and feel the most hollow of emotions — each believing they are the only one with the vacant eyes.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

Once before in 7th grade I was clinically depressed.  It was the worst I have ever felt in my whole life.  It was Karen and Rike who saved me that year.  The only two silly enough to be my friends.

I keep dreaming about my friends.  One night I went on a road trip with Vicki in her old white Geo and we went to Amarillo.  Another night I was hanging out with Sarah and we were talking and just being us.  Friends.

I haven’t been sleeping.

I haven’t really slept in days.  I don’t know why - I try to sleep but then startle awake again.

I stopped eating.

I haven’t been out of my room today I’ve just been crying.  My sinuses are going to kill me for this.

I’ve fought it but it’s there.  I know most of my physical symptoms right now are depression.

When I’m down I swear Highlander sees an opportunity, a way to shore up his place in my life and estimation.  I try to do something and I get placated, ‘yes dear that’s nice but do I really have to hear about it?’

He doesn’t read my blog.

He used to.  He had all my photos downloaded and read every single post on here before we met.  He was in love with me before we ever met - I had no idea who he was only that he would go hiking with me.  I really didn’t know he liked me that day though, the day we met.  I was pretty sure he thought I was nuts.

I put in a high octane rap CD and told him, “alright, lets go patrol the block!!”  Here we were in the most peaceful picturesque neighborhoods, high on a mountain over looking the sweetest little traditional southern town with a church on every block.

“uh really? Where do I turn?  How do we do this???”  He asked confused.  I lead him to the video store - where we rented Fargo.  I found it funny, hilarious.  He said girls never laughed at Fargo.

I served him, “Thor’s Hammer” - my best friend George makes it, a kind of apple cider alcoholic beverage that sneaks up on a person.  We drank Thor’s Hammer and watched Fargo.

I kinda figured he would want to sleep on the couch you know - not be near such a weirdo.  Especially when I took off my makeup.  I knew right then and there he was rethinking being around me.  But he wasn’t.  Actually I think he was in love when I first smiled at him.  He’s been fighting it ever since.

It’s like if I found out how he felt that it would be too much for him to bear really. Too vulnerable.

So when I get particularly gush - when I get animated and tell him in every way what he means to me and how I love him and adore him (and I’m particularly good with words and passion and all sorts of gestures - so I’m pretty sure it probably feels a bit like a ticker tape parade in his honor) he stiffens up and suddenly, I’ve done something very, very wrong.  It’s all, “of course you feel that way about me, how could you not? I’m brilliant after all - I’m a great catch.”  (well maybe just turn that into a smile - he doesn’t really say much at all.)

yeah and me?  Says a small voice…I fish around…he looks like he’s tasting maybe onion or maybe mushroom (which he finds very unpleasant).

…..you’re great.

It doesn’t reach his eyes.  Great.  Well, it’s more then I ever got from my father.

…..and….”can you try for two syllables?”

awesome.  Yes, you are awesome.

….why….

you make me feel special

Well damn it of course I do, I just spent an hour spilling my guts….and nothing. He stares at me.

“What do you want from me? What do you want me to say? I have nothing to say, sorry if you think I should.”  he says

I collapse, I curl up in pain that I wish I didn’t have.

“I love you” he says, but I can’t resolve it with the actions - it feels insincere and like a token - I’ll say I love you and that can stand up to not returning your affection.

Is it someone else?  Is it fear of losing me? What is it - why.

When I seduce him at dawn it’s a joke, I’m just a funny little pervert who can’t help herself.

“I admit, I can’t remember the last time I tried to seduce or went after you…but it’s probably just stress.”

Or you don’t want me.

He doesn’t know my favorite song.  He’s scared of my dreams.

All the songs he sings in his heart belong to me - I imagine for a guy that may feel vulnerable and scary.  What if the songs just stop.

“Your NOT - YOUR NOT that important to me, your not that pretty, you’re NOT my song - I don’t need you - the most special thing about you is that you make me feel special — that’s it, everything else, every desperate gesture I make is YOUR fault! Let me be safe and removed — but don’t you go anywhere, please, please stay close with your song.  Not that I need it.”

The distance when I need to be close.

He walks out on me and closes he door because he knows that really hurts me even worse.  I used to cry and beg him not to go.

“you’re impossible” he says and leaves.

I feel like I filled the spot ‘insert wife here’ — here is an empty house. Clean it.  Feed me.

There is a beach - why can’t we run along it?  We’re in love - why can’t we feel it?  Can’t you twirl me around and throw me on the bed and tickle me and love me?  Is there really no other option then ignoring me?

“I just don’t like listening to your conversations - we can talk about tech.” -highlander.

It’s all watching him wondering …

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

It was a beautiful grey dawn and I had been awake since about 3am and I laid there curled up with Highlander enjoying some broad shoulders feeling safe, some old song looping through my mind.  For a quiet moment we were the only two people in the world - and I was the only one who knew it.

My hair is growing in gray. Highlander says he likes it this way - it really truly is dreadful.  He kisses me anyway.

Highlander is studying astrophysics for fun and shows me the calculations sometimes.  It’s a bit over my head honestly.  Delta? What the heck is delta?  Pi?

As I lay there unable to sleep thanks to the 3am adrenaline rush (happens when you have very naughty blood sugar - the body releases moderate to huge amounts of adrenaline to get more glucose in the middle of the night)…and I had the following idea…

Imagine it’s a Mad Max kind of world - Thunderdome maybe, and into the arena are all of today’s top alternative Health stars - -like Kevin Giani, Dr. Marcola, Gabriel Cousins… etc. etc.  They are given 24 square miles of wilderness with one mandate:  STAY ALIVE.

“hmm, is this water quadruply purified?”
“If it isn’t sulfurized spring water, forget it - I’m not drinking it.”
“I bet its contaminated with all kinds of harmful chemical pollutants”
“”we could drink rain…”
“That too is NOT pure enough.”

“Okay men, lets head out….where do we find the Vitamix?”
“Vitamix?”
“Come on…they wouldn’t put us out here without at least a Vitamix Blender for survival - that would be inhumane!”
“Yes - okay first lets find the Vitamix then find some greens - lots of them!”

“We’ve been looking all day and I have yet to find Jicama or Gogi berries!!!  No SUPERFOODS!!! Those monsters!”
“Jicama? That’s stupid - I’m looking for bottles of supplements, particularly K2 because along with boron that’s what my body needs.”
“K2? Why not ferment some milk? yum Kefir..”
“Dairy? Honestly - you expect me to CONSUME DAIRY??? Are you trying to kill me?”
“What about some kind of foreign sounding milk like Oriental Yack”
“Oriental Yack milk? That’s a SUPERFOOD.”

“All there is to eat around here is all these damn rabbits”
“Yeah, they’re to blame for there not being greens to eat.”
“Hey, here are some dandelions”
“Great, lets eat them raw!!” chew, chew chew - several hours later still chewing
“yum” stomach growls
“Yeah, this is so much better then cooked rabbit - I’m sure this is exactly what ancient man did until we perverted his ways with unnatural cooking, seasoning and yucky common food like Potatoes”

(by day 5 of course they would all be trying to kill the bunny and cook it while eating any roots, berries and greens they could find and blithely drinking the water.)

Around 5:30am I woke Highlander up with a kiss.

He grinned at me and folded me into his arms.  Things were just about to get interesting when the neighbors started banging on the ceiling and carrying on.

How do they know?  I wonder not for the first time.

Don’t you dare stop! I threaten Highlander who can’t stop looking rather smug and triumphant.  We lay in bed laughing and giggling like mad until its time for him to go to work.

We’re always laughing.  (Well, when we’re not fighting).  I have such an odd imagination and peculiar sense of humor and from the first moment we met have been making quirky jokes only we would get.  At some point he calls me a “Cod” as in a fish and we make silly fish jokes forever.

One of these days the neighbors head will explode I’m sure of it.  I hope I’m not around to see it.

They’re worse then any parental over sight or over baring instructor I’ve ever had in my life.  In my most intimate and personal life they invade ever vigilant — it’s like having your personal stalker and judge right down stairs.

It’s 6am and they have no passion … wait are they?  Yeah they are… that sets Highlander and me over the edge laughing.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »

Mt.St.Helens

This weekend I went to Mt.St.Helens and struggled up and around a hiking path - but it defeated me.  I was pretty dehydrated.  I think if given 10 degrees cooler, some cloud cover and WATER in my backpack I probably could have made it given an unlimited amount of time.  Being that I had the runs, no water and it was over 90 - I was doomed to failure. ;-P

This week I went to the doctors again and they had some good news.  The cancer stuff isn’t all that bad and can be removed easily and maybe permanently.  I’ll have to go in for yearly screenings but once it’s gone it should probably stay that way.  *fingers crossed.

I still don’t know what’s wrong with my health but I did feel better today at any rate.  It kinda comes and goes.  I was listening to a report about how Asperger/Autism people have trouble with Glutathione/L-Glutamine (file under: Ooooh’ tell me about it!!!)  It has taken a lot of supplementing with L-Glutamine to build back my intestinal tract so that I can just digest basic food again.

More and more with autistic patients and people with nutritional health related illnesses they are finding NOT vitamins but Amino Acids hold the key.  I had adult onset acne until I started supplementing L-Lysine.

A lot of athletes and active people will suddenly develop acne, get hair loss and digestive ailments.  I think this is probably what happened to my health…

a.) I worked out everyday for at least an hour and a half triggering adrenaline release.

b.) Because my blood sugar was poorly controlled, I ate crap food and skipped meals all the time I had to have adrenaline actively releasing sugar stores in my body as well.

c.) I went through a divorce, move, remarried, new highly stressful job within a year. More adrenal fatigue.  My diet actually got even worse because by this time I couldn’t digest fruits and vegetables anymore at all.  I couldn’t have ANY dairy (not even a smidgen) and just about anything I ate made me ill.  I couldn’t sleep and relied on super powerful sleep aids - without them I could stay awake for days at a time thanks to the surge of adrenaline.

d.) Because of working out all the time my body was robbing protein anywhere it could get it to support my muscles.  I was pretty much a vegetarian and meat I ate wasn’t digesting, I had no milk in my diet and just an occasional egg.

e.) I was so fatigued that to get through my work day I started taking ‘Green Tea’ Energy supplements.  Drinking 32oz. Cokes and eating chocolate.   The Green tea was an energy boost but eventually burned out my adrenal glands even worse (which is hard to believe was possible). Partly I needed a ‘wake up’ pill because my sleep aids were so powerful and didn’t wear off for about 12-14 hours.

f.) By the time I left my job in October I was sleeping sometimes days at a time from fatigue (which I don’t recall every well) - my memory was shot.  I was having seizures and neurological problems.  I couldn’t focus and was ‘offline’.  My memory and brain still haven’t fully recovered.  I kinda thought I was going to die around that time and I wasn’t sure I even cared.

g.) In October I discovered Intestinew and L-Glutamine and within 20 minutes of taking it felt better.  It was a bit miraculous - but if taken too long especially in combination with anything calcium it caused my joints to hurt and become arthritic.  I then discovered L-Lysine for my acne.  During the two years I was sick I spent THOUSANDS of dollars on supplements and doctors trying to find the problem.

Final thoughts:

I have had serious stomach/digestive issues since I was born.  Most of my friends have dealt with me getting sick in their presence at least once.

I had trouble with building muscle and getting the protein building blocks from the food I ate but didn’t know it, and am sensitive to adrenaline.  I probably have one or two other digestive issues I don’t even know about (just found out I can’t ‘handle’ eating cane sugar which I didn’t know before) still but anyway… Without the building repair blocks my bodily systems including the brain started to break down.  Well - that’s what I suspect is wrong with my health. It kinda sounds simple wrote out like that and silly.

I’m having a bad reaction to something in my supplements so for now they’re banished.

Sew What, I’m Still a Rockstar

I have a new project - I’m learning how to sew.  I’m designing and making garments to wear.  :-)

I hate the clothes in my closet.  I don’t like how ANYTHING fits me now and I’m still recovering/changing daily.  I don’t want to buy new clothes that won’t fit in a month or don’t fit my body right.  I have all sorts of designs in my head for what would, “really look cool” — and I’ve decided to learn to sew in order to make them.

I’m starting with getting a Serger which is a sewing machine that transforms into a giant robot with lasers.  Not really, but it is very cool.

I also want to get back to reading.  I haven’t read anything for about a week since the Biopsy and I got side tracked with health crap again.  This has been very stressful.  From now on I’m not going to view stress as a ‘necessary’ comes with the territory of life event.  I’m going to view stress as destructively evil to be avoided at all costs and meditated away whenever possible.

Tags: Uncategorized // Add Comment »