Once before in 7th grade I was clinically depressed.  It was the worst I have ever felt in my whole life.  It was Karen and Rike who saved me that year.  The only two silly enough to be my friends.

I keep dreaming about my friends.  One night I went on a road trip with Vicki in her old white Geo and we went to Amarillo.  Another night I was hanging out with Sarah and we were talking and just being us.  Friends.

I haven’t been sleeping.

I haven’t really slept in days.  I don’t know why - I try to sleep but then startle awake again.

I stopped eating.

I haven’t been out of my room today I’ve just been crying.  My sinuses are going to kill me for this.

I’ve fought it but it’s there.  I know most of my physical symptoms right now are depression.

When I’m down I swear Highlander sees an opportunity, a way to shore up his place in my life and estimation.  I try to do something and I get placated, ‘yes dear that’s nice but do I really have to hear about it?’

He doesn’t read my blog.

He used to.  He had all my photos downloaded and read every single post on here before we met.  He was in love with me before we ever met - I had no idea who he was only that he would go hiking with me.  I really didn’t know he liked me that day though, the day we met.  I was pretty sure he thought I was nuts.

I put in a high octane rap CD and told him, “alright, lets go patrol the block!!”  Here we were in the most peaceful picturesque neighborhoods, high on a mountain over looking the sweetest little traditional southern town with a church on every block.

“uh really? Where do I turn?  How do we do this???”  He asked confused.  I lead him to the video store - where we rented Fargo.  I found it funny, hilarious.  He said girls never laughed at Fargo.

I served him, “Thor’s Hammer” - my best friend George makes it, a kind of apple cider alcoholic beverage that sneaks up on a person.  We drank Thor’s Hammer and watched Fargo.

I kinda figured he would want to sleep on the couch you know - not be near such a weirdo.  Especially when I took off my makeup.  I knew right then and there he was rethinking being around me.  But he wasn’t.  Actually I think he was in love when I first smiled at him.  He’s been fighting it ever since.

It’s like if I found out how he felt that it would be too much for him to bear really. Too vulnerable.

So when I get particularly gush - when I get animated and tell him in every way what he means to me and how I love him and adore him (and I’m particularly good with words and passion and all sorts of gestures - so I’m pretty sure it probably feels a bit like a ticker tape parade in his honor) he stiffens up and suddenly, I’ve done something very, very wrong.  It’s all, “of course you feel that way about me, how could you not? I’m brilliant after all - I’m a great catch.”  (well maybe just turn that into a smile - he doesn’t really say much at all.)

yeah and me?  Says a small voice…I fish around…he looks like he’s tasting maybe onion or maybe mushroom (which he finds very unpleasant).

…..you’re great.

It doesn’t reach his eyes.  Great.  Well, it’s more then I ever got from my father.

…..and….”can you try for two syllables?”

awesome.  Yes, you are awesome.

….why….

you make me feel special

Well damn it of course I do, I just spent an hour spilling my guts….and nothing. He stares at me.

“What do you want from me? What do you want me to say? I have nothing to say, sorry if you think I should.”  he says

I collapse, I curl up in pain that I wish I didn’t have.

“I love you” he says, but I can’t resolve it with the actions - it feels insincere and like a token - I’ll say I love you and that can stand up to not returning your affection.

Is it someone else?  Is it fear of losing me? What is it - why.

When I seduce him at dawn it’s a joke, I’m just a funny little pervert who can’t help herself.

“I admit, I can’t remember the last time I tried to seduce or went after you…but it’s probably just stress.”

Or you don’t want me.

He doesn’t know my favorite song.  He’s scared of my dreams.

All the songs he sings in his heart belong to me - I imagine for a guy that may feel vulnerable and scary.  What if the songs just stop.

“Your NOT - YOUR NOT that important to me, your not that pretty, you’re NOT my song - I don’t need you - the most special thing about you is that you make me feel special — that’s it, everything else, every desperate gesture I make is YOUR fault! Let me be safe and removed — but don’t you go anywhere, please, please stay close with your song.  Not that I need it.”

The distance when I need to be close.

He walks out on me and closes he door because he knows that really hurts me even worse.  I used to cry and beg him not to go.

“you’re impossible” he says and leaves.

I feel like I filled the spot ‘insert wife here’ — here is an empty house. Clean it.  Feed me.

There is a beach - why can’t we run along it?  We’re in love - why can’t we feel it?  Can’t you twirl me around and throw me on the bed and tickle me and love me?  Is there really no other option then ignoring me?

“I just don’t like listening to your conversations - we can talk about tech.” -highlander.

It’s all watching him wondering …

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It was a beautiful grey dawn and I had been awake since about 3am and I laid there curled up with Highlander enjoying some broad shoulders feeling safe, some old song looping through my mind.  For a quiet moment we were the only two people in the world - and I was the only one who knew it.

My hair is growing in gray. Highlander says he likes it this way - it really truly is dreadful.  He kisses me anyway.

Highlander is studying astrophysics for fun and shows me the calculations sometimes.  It’s a bit over my head honestly.  Delta? What the heck is delta?  Pi?

As I lay there unable to sleep thanks to the 3am adrenaline rush (happens when you have very naughty blood sugar - the body releases moderate to huge amounts of adrenaline to get more glucose in the middle of the night)…and I had the following idea…

Imagine it’s a Mad Max kind of world - Thunderdome maybe, and into the arena are all of today’s top alternative Health stars - -like Kevin Giani, Dr. Marcola, Gabriel Cousins… etc. etc.  They are given 24 square miles of wilderness with one mandate:  STAY ALIVE.

“hmm, is this water quadruply purified?”
“If it isn’t sulfurized spring water, forget it - I’m not drinking it.”
“I bet its contaminated with all kinds of harmful chemical pollutants”
“”we could drink rain…”
“That too is NOT pure enough.”

“Okay men, lets head out….where do we find the Vitamix?”
“Vitamix?”
“Come on…they wouldn’t put us out here without at least a Vitamix Blender for survival - that would be inhumane!”
“Yes - okay first lets find the Vitamix then find some greens - lots of them!”

“We’ve been looking all day and I have yet to find Jicama or Gogi berries!!!  No SUPERFOODS!!! Those monsters!”
“Jicama? That’s stupid - I’m looking for bottles of supplements, particularly K2 because along with boron that’s what my body needs.”
“K2? Why not ferment some milk? yum Kefir..”
“Dairy? Honestly - you expect me to CONSUME DAIRY??? Are you trying to kill me?”
“What about some kind of foreign sounding milk like Oriental Yack”
“Oriental Yack milk? That’s a SUPERFOOD.”

“All there is to eat around here is all these damn rabbits”
“Yeah, they’re to blame for there not being greens to eat.”
“Hey, here are some dandelions”
“Great, lets eat them raw!!” chew, chew chew - several hours later still chewing
“yum” stomach growls
“Yeah, this is so much better then cooked rabbit - I’m sure this is exactly what ancient man did until we perverted his ways with unnatural cooking, seasoning and yucky common food like Potatoes”

(by day 5 of course they would all be trying to kill the bunny and cook it while eating any roots, berries and greens they could find and blithely drinking the water.)

Around 5:30am I woke Highlander up with a kiss.

He grinned at me and folded me into his arms.  Things were just about to get interesting when the neighbors started banging on the ceiling and carrying on.

How do they know?  I wonder not for the first time.

Don’t you dare stop! I threaten Highlander who can’t stop looking rather smug and triumphant.  We lay in bed laughing and giggling like mad until its time for him to go to work.

We’re always laughing.  (Well, when we’re not fighting).  I have such an odd imagination and peculiar sense of humor and from the first moment we met have been making quirky jokes only we would get.  At some point he calls me a “Cod” as in a fish and we make silly fish jokes forever.

One of these days the neighbors head will explode I’m sure of it.  I hope I’m not around to see it.

They’re worse then any parental over sight or over baring instructor I’ve ever had in my life.  In my most intimate and personal life they invade ever vigilant — it’s like having your personal stalker and judge right down stairs.

It’s 6am and they have no passion … wait are they?  Yeah they are… that sets Highlander and me over the edge laughing.

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Mt.St.Helens

This weekend I went to Mt.St.Helens and struggled up and around a hiking path - but it defeated me.  I was pretty dehydrated.  I think if given 10 degrees cooler, some cloud cover and WATER in my backpack I probably could have made it given an unlimited amount of time.  Being that I had the runs, no water and it was over 90 - I was doomed to failure. ;-P

This week I went to the doctors again and they had some good news.  The cancer stuff isn’t all that bad and can be removed easily and maybe permanently.  I’ll have to go in for yearly screenings but once it’s gone it should probably stay that way.  *fingers crossed.

I still don’t know what’s wrong with my health but I did feel better today at any rate.  It kinda comes and goes.  I was listening to a report about how Asperger/Autism people have trouble with Glutathione/L-Glutamine (file under: Ooooh’ tell me about it!!!)  It has taken a lot of supplementing with L-Glutamine to build back my intestinal tract so that I can just digest basic food again.

More and more with autistic patients and people with nutritional health related illnesses they are finding NOT vitamins but Amino Acids hold the key.  I had adult onset acne until I started supplementing L-Lysine.

A lot of athletes and active people will suddenly develop acne, get hair loss and digestive ailments.  I think this is probably what happened to my health…

a.) I worked out everyday for at least an hour and a half triggering adrenaline release.

b.) Because my blood sugar was poorly controlled, I ate crap food and skipped meals all the time I had to have adrenaline actively releasing sugar stores in my body as well.

c.) I went through a divorce, move, remarried, new highly stressful job within a year. More adrenal fatigue.  My diet actually got even worse because by this time I couldn’t digest fruits and vegetables anymore at all.  I couldn’t have ANY dairy (not even a smidgen) and just about anything I ate made me ill.  I couldn’t sleep and relied on super powerful sleep aids - without them I could stay awake for days at a time thanks to the surge of adrenaline.

d.) Because of working out all the time my body was robbing protein anywhere it could get it to support my muscles.  I was pretty much a vegetarian and meat I ate wasn’t digesting, I had no milk in my diet and just an occasional egg.

e.) I was so fatigued that to get through my work day I started taking ‘Green Tea’ Energy supplements.  Drinking 32oz. Cokes and eating chocolate.   The Green tea was an energy boost but eventually burned out my adrenal glands even worse (which is hard to believe was possible). Partly I needed a ‘wake up’ pill because my sleep aids were so powerful and didn’t wear off for about 12-14 hours.

f.) By the time I left my job in October I was sleeping sometimes days at a time from fatigue (which I don’t recall every well) - my memory was shot.  I was having seizures and neurological problems.  I couldn’t focus and was ‘offline’.  My memory and brain still haven’t fully recovered.  I kinda thought I was going to die around that time and I wasn’t sure I even cared.

g.) In October I discovered Intestinew and L-Glutamine and within 20 minutes of taking it felt better.  It was a bit miraculous - but if taken too long especially in combination with anything calcium it caused my joints to hurt and become arthritic.  I then discovered L-Lysine for my acne.  During the two years I was sick I spent THOUSANDS of dollars on supplements and doctors trying to find the problem.

Final thoughts:

I have had serious stomach/digestive issues since I was born.  Most of my friends have dealt with me getting sick in their presence at least once.

I had trouble with building muscle and getting the protein building blocks from the food I ate but didn’t know it, and am sensitive to adrenaline.  I probably have one or two other digestive issues I don’t even know about (just found out I can’t ‘handle’ eating cane sugar which I didn’t know before) still but anyway… Without the building repair blocks my bodily systems including the brain started to break down.  Well - that’s what I suspect is wrong with my health. It kinda sounds simple wrote out like that and silly.

I’m having a bad reaction to something in my supplements so for now they’re banished.

Sew What, I’m Still a Rockstar

I have a new project - I’m learning how to sew.  I’m designing and making garments to wear.  :-)

I hate the clothes in my closet.  I don’t like how ANYTHING fits me now and I’m still recovering/changing daily.  I don’t want to buy new clothes that won’t fit in a month or don’t fit my body right.  I have all sorts of designs in my head for what would, “really look cool” — and I’ve decided to learn to sew in order to make them.

I’m starting with getting a Serger which is a sewing machine that transforms into a giant robot with lasers.  Not really, but it is very cool.

I also want to get back to reading.  I haven’t read anything for about a week since the Biopsy and I got side tracked with health crap again.  This has been very stressful.  From now on I’m not going to view stress as a ‘necessary’ comes with the territory of life event.  I’m going to view stress as destructively evil to be avoided at all costs and meditated away whenever possible.

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Flowers from Highlander

I’ve been really down.  Usually in life I’m working toward some great goal or project and lately — I haven’t had a single project.  Yikes.

I was watching a famous designer on Ted.com and she does amazing work and most of the comments were like “you suck” — and that’s the problem with any sort of art and design career.  Everyone will hate you.

This weekend my son bought a photographic print with his well earned allowance.  Gotta luv that kid.

While suffering from melancholia and worried that I’m not cutting enough activity to even be worth staying married to — Highlander sent me these flowers today with a sweet note.  He is a good friend to me, glad I married him.

I love flowers. <3 <3

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I’m on a weight loss diet right now to drop 16lbs.  It’s my first few hours of said diet and I’m at 500 calories of my 388 alloted.  I had 2 eggs scrambled, 6 almonds, 6oz of orange juice and then after my run a glass of milk.  Wow, what do skinny people eat anyway?

I’m tracking my carbs more carefully.  I fell off the sugar wagon yesterday and had a Frappucino from Starbucks.  So I was more moody then usual.

Thought up some fun projects last night while I couldn’t sleep (thanks to the sugar I had ).  I feel fine today and usually when I don’t sleep I feel terrible.  I wonder if the Amino acids are helping?

Also figured out Horizon Organic milk doesn’t taste as good as my usual brand. Weird hu, one would think milk was milk.

I put in a mile and a half today and will get my weights in after lunch.  I designed my own home program this weekend with help from Kevin Gianni’s web site LiveAwesome.com which has over a hundred exercises to choose from.

I wonder if I went downstairs and re-arranged the neighbors massive pile of junk if they would notice?

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I have a re-occuring dream where I re-lose my job at Crowder, but this time the person doing the firing is an old venerated professor of mine who I adored.

I had a parent who told me everyday in every way - usually to my face - YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.  YOU SUCK.  He never used the word suck, because he was eloquent and smart.  Very smart, I thought he was the smartest person the world and at all times I came up with bizarre ways to WIN him over.  It never worked.  I always sucked.  When I headlined at an art show - it was too much trouble for him to drive the 10 minutes to come to it.  I wouldn’t go to my own shows - what was the point? I would never win.  No one liked my work.  No one.

When I was a webmaster I had cards stuck to my wall, received flowers, chocolates, awards, and even a photo of me was pinned up in the main lobby explaining who I was and what an amazing kick ass job I did — and I bet people thought I was just the most arrogant person on the planet - pretty sure it was all the attention that made a few certain people pissed off enough they gave me the old heave ho instead of some time off to get well.  But you know, I didn’t feel it.  I felt kinda weird actually.  I wanted to share any sort of accolades - I felt so exposed and alone in that job.  I was never happy.

I thought maybe when I was published it would change for me.  It didn’t.  Maybe when I was beautiful or charming or finally learned to get along in this world — I WOULD WIN.

Now I dream every night about getting fired.  I dream of designers I used to know and I’m cleaning up after them and offering to park their new cars.  Even the people I knew who just were terrible designers win in my dreams - but not me. Why?

I don’t usually remember the accolades, the education - it doesn’t ever fill up the cup.  One lady told me, “when I grow up to be a designer - I want to be you.”  Damn - that’s pretty good hu?  Why can’t I remember that?

When I got to town I applied to a lot of jobs in Portland and never received one call.  For me that was concrete proof I don’t have what it takes in any area of expertise. Maybe it was that I lived two hours away from Portland - but I never think of things like that.

With my health a lot of people think I can shrug it off.  I’ve tried.  Really.

As a kid I was desperately allergic to cigarette smoke to the point sometimes my lungs and bronchial ways clogged with mucus so badly I couldn’t breathe.  My parents wouldn’t quit smoking.  They said I was “puny” and “it can’t be allergies, I don’t know why you’re stick sick it’s January! You’re always sick!!”  I always was, for years on end.  I thought it was normal to spit up green gunk every morning.

Is there any way to get to winning?

Is there a way I can get off this God Damn treadmill of acceptance - because it’s not working out for me.

What is the finish line?

Maybe it’s all arbitrary.  Maybe right now I say, I WIN.

I have everything I really wanted….

but I still dream the same dreams.

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It wakes me up every single morning - a diabolical hunger that makes unfair demands.  Bagels. Pancakes. Sausage. Eggs. Smoothies. Toast. Oatmeal. Juice.  I will ever wander to the kitchen enslaved to cook breakfast.  I never miss it.

Diabetes for me produces really high insulin levels which makes me hungry - VERY HUNGRY - constantly.  It also pulls a second punch, because insulin will inevitably pack on the pounds.  Once you have more fat - the more insulin you need, the more you make, the more fat you put away.  On and on until you end up obese and one of these days someone is going to tell me, “if you weren’t fat you would never have gotten diabetes.”

High blood sugar feeds cancer.  Which is why diabetes is linked to cancer.  The body can’t heal itself very well when it has no energy - and in diabetes it can’t get to the energy it needs.

So watching my diet like a bloody hawk I’ve tried to figure out ways to skirt the whole eating a ton issue.  I’m hungry constantly.  I often go to bed with my stomach growling, go all day long starving, and rarely if ever feel satisfied when I eat.  It’s a kind of hell I could never have imagined back in my days of skipping meals and being scrawny.

Iron will serves me only so far - I need better amo.

Iron will is running up stairs while holding your breath - works for only a bit.

So today I’m trying a trial of amino acids after discovering by accident that my sleep medication (an OTC melatonin mix) also eliminated my appetite.  So far…well two cups of milk and an apple later I’m not as hungry as I was.

Drink more water.

I drank five glasses while waiting for my health entrée in a Portland restaurant a few weeks ago.  Everywhere I go I bring my water because I am also unabidingly thirsty - always.

I woke up this morning hungry but thought the following:

“I need to go run”
“Your knees both hurt don’t be stupid.”
“What if I could run on a softer more forgiving surface?”
“Yeah like what?”
“How about the running track at the Grade School?”
“Well, how would I get there?”
“Highlander has to work this morning - have him give you a lift then walk back.”
“Damn it, that makes sense, now I’m going to have to go run.”

So that’s how I went about putting in four miles today.  And I’m wondering - maybe that’s my next great assault in this health war I’m waging.

Exercise at any price until I get down some pounds and fight off this hunger.

If I can lose enough weight my blood sugar should return to normal (presumably), and the low carb, no sugar, high vitamin packed diet should have a chance to benefit me, which should starve and fight the cancer and give me a lot more energy.

I need to drop some weight.  A lot of weight.  I’m 16 pounds heavier then my so called “anorexic” weight back at Northark - but its not just any pounds - I want to lose fat pounds and gain muscle pounds.

This week I did go run, I did go and get my biopsies done (can you say ouch?) and drive myself around for the first time in a strange new area (went to the beach).  So maybe daily exercise and lots of it is also in the works.  I know people aren’t supposed to over do cardio but I like to run - it’s my thing.  So run I will, and weights and anything else I can throw in.  I want to stay off of meds as much as possible and get my body to fight for itself.

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It was probably a year before I let anyone know I was ill and by that point I couldn’t work anymore.

I really just want everyone to let me be sick so I can get better.

Highlander gets it,  He lets me be sick and gives me room to get better.  I can’t fight something while at the same time living in a cloud of …

I fucking hate denial.

If it’s serious, let me say it’s serious because I sure and fucking hell don’t want to die of trivial cancer.  Please at least do me the courtesy of not diminishing the challenges I face.

“Here lays old Seven who died of some trivial infection or cancer - we’re sure it wasn’t that bad and she’ll be fine soon. Had she a better attitude and been a firm Christian this wouldn’t have happened to her and we’re positive it won’t happen to us.”

(Don’t diminish my successes either. )

Even if I don’t have Cancer - I have been really very sick for three years.

Yet - people I’ve known and even what few relatives I have left are like,

You’ll be fine
Sure it will be okay
It’s probably nothing
People get misdiagnosed with cancer all the time
It’s probably not that
I wouldn’t trust that doctor who thought you had cancer
There is a pill for that
Think positive
Pray and turn to Christ

And even though I have been sick for three years - no one ever asks me, “how are you feeling?”

They ask no questions.

I’m sorry people - I can’t afford you.  I’m sure you’ll need me, you’ll be calling, “Oh’ SO AND SO IS SICK.” I’m going to hang up.  Or not take your call.  Or delete your email.  And when you need something I’m really not going to care.  You’re trivial - not my health, not my happiness and well being.  I can afford to lose you.  I can’t afford to lose the fight with whatever the hell is wrong with me.

I’m out to get my life back.  I am going to get well.  You’re not going to recognize me.

I have worked really hard to change everything and I everyday that is what I work on - time to change things more.  Before it’s too late.  The ’system’ I was stuck in never was for me, lands how I hate the south with utter passion with its delusions of God.  I’m not sure what is me anymore, but that’s what writing this blog and all that is for really.

Well - that’s my rant for the day.  I’m going to go to the beach now and vegetate all day long watching the ocean come in and go out.  That’s the plan.  More baggage let go of means more room for beauty and peace.  All I really need is my family.

Inspirational Cancer Survivor (joke)

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In the past I have identified with Robert Picardo who played the doctor on Star Trek Voyager.  I can’t remember all my defined reasons why … but thought in the Star Trek world - that is who I would be.

The Doctor from Star Trek Voyager

After some thought and in light of my health problems however I think I’ll have to go with being Avery Brooks, Captain Sisko from Star Trek Deep Space Nine.

The Commander of DS9, Sisko

Okay…maybe it’s Sisko’s voice.  Wow, wouldn’t I be cool if I sounded like that.

I bet he can run a lot faster then I can.  He probably is over all in better health and has a lot more vigor.  Of course…he would have to make the move into Science and Engineering if I were to gain possession of his DNA.  No more Star Ships and Baseball for you Mr.

Today I did have a small coffee from Starbucks.  It was tiny but yummy.  It’s been my first sugar faux pas in two weeks.  Which I think is pretty good but the doc says I need to lose weight.  How in the hell does one lose weight with diabetes?  I LOOK at food and gain ten pounds.  I drink water and gain and I seem to be hungry constantly.  I’m naturally a skinny person so its doubly frustrating.

Anyway - it might be a moot point because the biopsy didn’t go so well.  They had to take more tissue then initially planned on and I had all the negative attributes of having cancer including some malformed blood vessels.

Everyone fights cancer a different way, but everyone fights.  Healthy people like to think that they don’t — because then they can say to themselves….well, if it were me - I would fight or they discount any chance of getting cancer - they’re too tough.

People fight via chemo, via working out extra, dietary changes like Gerson’s method, Vitamin C treatment, prayer circles and faith changes….but you and I know, we both know, too many people who have lost that fight right?  Unless you live under a rock you know SOMEONE who has died of cancer.

I won’t find out for sure anything for a little bit - the biopsies went to lab.

People have their own kind of talismans against evil.  One of my friends says if you don’t believe in cancer it can’t kill you.  (Which is why I refuse to believe in car wrecks….)

Anyway - I guess I’ll find out more when the biopsies come back.

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Yesterday wasn’t so great for my health and my brain was foggy and ‘yellow’ as I went to bed which is usually a good sign I’m not actually going to fall into anything near ‘deep sleep’ and have violent muscle spasms for most of the night.

I have a number of serious medications to counteract this sleepless state (I’ve gone 72 hours without sleep due to it before) - 50mg Amitriptyline, Chlonozapam, Vicodin, Valerian etc.  None of it works.  Period.  Does not do a damn thing.  It’s enough to stone an African elephant but it won’t provide me a bit of relief.  The muscle spasms - God - those are bad.

Anyway - while at Costco I picked up this amino acid with some melatonin.  I had an older person tell me they took it to sleep.  Within minutes I was out.  Holy cow I thought.  Why does this work and none of that other fancy shit does?  Not only do I knock out asleep but I wake up NOT HUNGRY.  I don’t have muscle spasms and feel better.

Weird.  So in order to get my digestive track to work I had to take the Amino Acid L-Glutamine.  In order to clear up that nasty acne I came down with and to stop my hair from falling out the Amino L-Lysine and now I have L-Theanine.  So screw it I’m just going to order a bottle of Amino Acids - sorry vitamins. ;-P

I’m also buying some powdered milk and powdered egg to add to smoothies.  Protein is a main source of amino acids and I had about zilch in my diet previously when I was working out all the time.  I relied on peanut butter which doesn’t have much in the way of protein and I suspect might have some anti-nutrients in there.

Last night Highlander was worried.

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